They're like bonzai people

This gem from the orient has been a staple in skymall for many years. I first noticed it when I joined my firm flying to Orlando. Oh simpler times they were... before I had netflix and noise-canceling headphones to drown out the cries of the plebs and occupy my time.

Admittedly, at first I thought these large-diametered, constipated warriors were meant to be life-sized. Surely this would strike fear into the hearts of intruders and your local HOA. For who would want to cross the threshold of a home guarded by large, realistic looking men featuring an unhealthy amount of clevage and unnecessarily little clothing and obviously about to drop some knowledge on your lawn?

As I further examined the description, and price point for that matter, I realized that this item was only to be 2 feet tall. However, at the reasonable sum of 99.95, I recommend each and every home owner purchase at least 10, if not more. These can be arranged in a battle formation on the front lawn - acting out some sort of twisted 47 ronin scene featuring a full cast of morbidly obese and seminude gnomes. Yours will finally be that house on the block that all the kids avoid because it's just that fucking weird.